A Bit of an Odd, Emotional Rant

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Rexluna's avatar
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First off, I stared at the title for ages, trying to remember if that's how you capitalize a title. I'm a huge English/grammar nerd. If I wasn't so shy and socially awkward, I think it could be fun to be an English teacher. But that's not going to happen.

I probably should have started this off with a warning; I've been feeling terrible lately, physically, mentally, and emotionally. And I just feel the need to put it into words. I don't know if it will even make that much sense, and I'm not looking for sympathy. But I can only rant to myself so many times before I realize that it's not helping. I need to speak, even if no one bothers to listen. It's just an exercise in stability.

I don't know what I want in life. I'm not just talking about my career or whatever, I mean everything. I feel like I'm being pushed and pulled in all directions. I don't even know who I really am. Am I a sweet, innocent princess? A heartless witch? Or just a nobody? I feel like I'm being controlled by my own body and genetics, and I absolutely hate it. I can't remember a time in my life where I had NO pain in my body somewhere. I'm not kidding. I've just become accustomed to it at this point. So I have no drive to push myself because pushing myself means pushing my physical limits and making myself feel even worse. I would LOVE to work out and have a perfect body that I could be proud of. I would love to spend the time dying and styling my hair to be as badass as I would feel inside. I want to have no fear. I want to be seen and heard and envied. I know it sounds stupid, but I guess it's just the way I'm wording it. I walk around feeling like a child, as if I'm powerless. I blush and avoid people's eyes over the stupidest things, like compliments or simple observations about my body, face, or hair. That is seriously pathetic and disgusting. I feel slightly less like trash when I'm in a costume, or sometimes even just a wig and make-up. But the physical effort and pain required to do that every day is just not worth it.

You know how everyone has a fantasy? Something they daydream about on long car rides or during a boring day at work? I have two. Sort of. My dominant one is some form of fantastical story where I'm some kind of sexy, badass heroine. I have amazing magic, or a mesmerizing voice, or I'm a fantastic swordswoman/acrobat/whatever. I've had this fantasy every since I was little. When I was on long car rides, I would imagine an older, awesomer version of myself running, jumping, and somersaulting beside our car, keeping up with us.  My second fantasy is more of an idea than a physical vision in my mind. I want to be treated like a princess. I want people to love and respect me. I want to feel special and beautiful and be allowed to be myself. On a positive note, my boyfriend TOTALLY understands that about me and does a pretty good job of making me feel like a princess when I'm with him.

So which am I supposed to be? Which do I want to be? The badass rogue or the dainty princess? Is it possible to be both? 

I suppose the answer to that question is yes, it is possible. Except for the part where I'm lacking a lot of the qualities that would allow me to be either. I don't have a beautiful voice, a toned body, a lovely smile, a heart full of courage, confidence in myself, or anything I can truly feel proud of. The closest I get to that feeling is when I cosplayed Morrigan. She embodies many qualities that I wish I had, even some that I do have but don't share with everyone.

Honestly, a lot of this intense feeling has stemmed from how fucking physically fragile I have been lately. It's been two years now and I still can't kick this damn stomach ulcer completely. I've spent most of my life suffering from headaches and now they are completely controlling me. I feel like a horrible zombie every day and I know I probably look the part. Ugh, you should see the dark circles under my eyes right now. Except not, because they're bad and gross....And my god damned thumb (the one I had surgery on) has really been bothering me again. What the hell am I supposed to do? I'm currently on a ridiculous amount of medication JUST TO CONTROL THE ULCER AND HEADACHES. Are you kidding me? I can hardly function without the medication, but being on it hardly makes a difference either.

So I just sit here, fantasizing about a time in my life possibly existing where I can wake up without being in pain. I imagine how awesome and fun some future cosplays could be. I imagine walking around in a kickin' outfit and feeling like a sexy goddess. When the hell will that even be possible for me? It honestly doesn't feel like much to ask, but apparently the universe feels like being kind of a dick to everyone. 

I guess the good thing is that now I know what my problem is. I thought I simply wasn't motivated. While yes, that is still true, that's not the only reason. I can't be motivated mentally when I physically feel like I've been run over by a truck. So I guess yay to that?

I could keep going, but I'm on so much pain medication right now that I'm probably just going to go attempt to crash instead. To those who stuck around for my stupid rant, I thank you. Don't feel the need to try and make me feel better, but if you feel like doing so, know that I really appreciate it. I wish that was enough to make my physical shortcomings go away.


© 2013 - 2024 Rexluna
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vincentursus's avatar
First off, stomach ulcers are not fun. If you're having trouble dealing with them, this is understandable. It is not a moral failing, they do really suck. They do not, however, last forever. (Though it certainly might feel that way at the moment.) They will get better.

Secondly, I disagree with your points regarding your body and your voice. I have seen your cosplay. I have watched, and more relevantly, listened to, your Fable play through. I have enjoyed these things, I appreciate your sharing them, and think you can take pride in them.

Thirdly, proper grammar is a virtue.